I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
