Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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