mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize