I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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