Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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