you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
