I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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