shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I did not marry a roomba.
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