I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
