There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
