god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
