My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
