Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
