I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
