I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
