God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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