Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
