You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
