if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
