Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sober January is a disaster.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
