I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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