Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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