atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
