if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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