dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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