She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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