im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
