Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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