I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
