I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
don't judge my taste in strippers
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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