hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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