I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
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You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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