I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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