Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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