It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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