We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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