i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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