All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
