We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
