Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
