The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
