You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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