i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
