anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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