why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
