this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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