Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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