All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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