mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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