I think I died a long time ago.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
