While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
