dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
