If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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