a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
