I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
