He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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