i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
