so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
